Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

Me, flirting😏

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu