The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
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a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
How software testing works
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.