The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
You Might Also Like
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
listen closely
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.