The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
You Might Also Like
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
why isn’t thunder called soundning