Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal