The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
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The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Me too 😆
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
