Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.

I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send