the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
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This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers