The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
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Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing