The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
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Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.