Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.