The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
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I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
me doing my best
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler