Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out