The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
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Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.