Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

“What?”
– Jude

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?