The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
You Might Also Like
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?