The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
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7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
gentlemen, hear me out
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar