Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

Are you ok, human???

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

Finally, a door that understands me

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

May have had one breakfast too many

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣