Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.