The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I see your IQ test came back negative
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.