the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
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Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
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I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
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5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
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Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired