The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
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“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.