The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
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Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
nice challenge
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
The Sun
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.