The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
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The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.