[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
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I put the I in Insufferable.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.