[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
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I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Sniffing the broccoli
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
