Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”