The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
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medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
My what?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine