The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
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Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
They’re the worst 😩
