The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
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Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password