The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
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No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Ok but actually
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
What
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”