The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
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“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
When can I start eating bats again.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire