Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

😆

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.