“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
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Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
titanic
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
The first one, obviously
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”