Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.