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Oh thanks BBC.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
