Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.

Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

😂

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.