Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping