The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
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Free him
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
😂😂😂
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.