The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
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Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.