The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
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Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
this site is so cooked lol
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
You were the one.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.