The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
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I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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