The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
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*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?