Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
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I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
That’s enough internet for the day
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.