The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
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Cake safety first. Always.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael