The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
You Might Also Like
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”