The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
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Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
If looks could kill
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.