The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
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In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.