The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
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Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.