The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

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WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.


“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]


There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.


Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament


Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.


Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.


I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably


“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn


Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran