The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
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This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.