The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
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Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
lumberjacks will cut a birch
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.