The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
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It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.