The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
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Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
The French cow says MEUX…
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.