The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
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old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
File under excellent bookstore names.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*