The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
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Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Alexa turn off the planet
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Church Pugh’s
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!