The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
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[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
