The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
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One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.