The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
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If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
*watches the world burn*
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.