The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
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Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
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They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this