Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen