The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
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I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
🤣😂
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.