The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
You Might Also Like
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
What’s the point buying it then?
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.