The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
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saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while