The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
You Might Also Like
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
*puts words between two asterisks*
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
“no gods no masters” = leo
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.