The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
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9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
no cat here
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut