The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
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Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic