The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
You Might Also Like
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further