The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
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Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone