The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
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S O O N
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes