Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

Gross if literal…Liverpool

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.