@JohnHilsen

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

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@freefanaddict

Y’all know you can literally buy a turkey any time of the year right? Because I’m starting to think some of you don’t.

@MarfSalvador

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

@3Snowbee3

Anyone know how to fix a guardian angel, I think mine is broken.

@Doh573

Cartoons lied to me as a child. I was lead to believe quicksand was going to be a much larger problem in life.

@professorkiosk

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

@briangaar

Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it

@rickolantern

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

@funnyordie

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

@mack44_d

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’