The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
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As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before