The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
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Y’all know you can literally buy a turkey any time of the year right? Because I’m starting to think some of you don’t.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Anyone know how to fix a guardian angel, I think mine is broken.
Cartoons lied to me as a child. I was lead to believe quicksand was going to be a much larger problem in life.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’