The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
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Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”