The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
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Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs