Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
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Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
ME: lololol can’t believe my parents don’t understand how to attach a document to an email lolol
ALSO ME: what is taxes help i am so confused and also the only thing I can cook is popcorn
When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are