The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

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Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket


Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?


Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.


At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments


I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”


“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.


ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.


ME: lololol can’t believe my parents don’t understand how to attach a document to an email lolol

ALSO ME: what is taxes help i am so confused and also the only thing I can cook is popcorn


When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.