@Ygrene
@MarfSalvador
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
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@MarfSalvador
@ParentNormal
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
@AndrewsNotFunny
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
@pharmasean
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
@UnFitz
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
@AristotlesNZ
First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat. You ever own a hamster? I did. Died. Watch me do a cartwheel! Ok, who wants brownies?
@CrockettForReal
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
@SvnSxty
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
@seriouslymanish
This dude is using a pay phone , I guess someone got kidnapped
@BoogTweets
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow