@Ygrene

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

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@Dawn_M_

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

@Home_Halfway

GOD: [continuing to make humans] Make some of them think running is fun

ANGEL: This is just sick, I can’t watch this

@MrsJekyllsHyde

In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?

@UncleDuke1969

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

@SaraMansford

Netflix: Want to keep watching?

Me: Do we really need to do this?

Netflix: It’s just, it’s been 75 hours and I can hear your kids crying.

@iAmDelFreaky

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

@AnOrangeSNES

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.