The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

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[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd


VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year


I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs


Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer


“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”


First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat. You ever own a hamster? I did. Died. Watch me do a cartwheel! Ok, who wants brownies?


Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?


Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really


[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow