The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
This probably isn’t good
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.