The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Lmao 🤣
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
